I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
