Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
