Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
