Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
