Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize