I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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