I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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