Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
