3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
