we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
