This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My life is pants optional.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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