Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I need to sanitize my soul.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dick very happy bro
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize