mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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