Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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