Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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