Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
