i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
