U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
