yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
