Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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