just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
