I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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