I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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