Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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