I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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