a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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