Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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