We're like a lot better than the average bears
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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