Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize