Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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