Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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