How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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