final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
