I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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