I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
