Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
