So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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