I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
