i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
