I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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