I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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