I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
