Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
