And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
