and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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