Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize