Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
