How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
