When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
