I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
