highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
