I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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You. Win. At. Life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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