the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
