the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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