my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
