he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize