I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
